#111 - Roller Coaster Ride

"Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme",

"Good speed, that was the nicest shot so far",

"You did put in effort to study for it, but why such results?", 

"At some point in life, you are mature enough to the point where your words are convincing enough".

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All these words currently running through my mind. Yeah, even the best falls down some times. I may be the best in my parents' eyes, but there also times when I don't perform, enough. Gotten back two papers, pretty much okay. Rather unexpected for physics, I'm really satisfied and was actually discombobulated at the moment I got back my paper. What should I say, I'm really proud of myself and thankful to my friends for helping me improve by 5 grades. Even though this is just a common test, nevertheless an improvement deserves my happiness. Maths was rather disappointing though, being as careless as before, placing myself in jeopardy. I passed, but not up to what I've expected. 6 marks away from my target seems so small, but that means a jump of two grades. Well, not really affected by that. My mind just keeps telling me that I don't want to be "banned" from hockey even though everyone's going to stop training together. I mean like, even so, I just want to have a clean sheet with all Cs and above since it's my target. Maths was so close, 1 mark away. This means I must really work harder, and I mean it. I'm gonna work hard because I don't want to be rubbed in again. What my mum said, (read above), I really felt like a loser and failure. To have studied for it and yet fail to reach my goals. I promise I'll work hard not to disappoint you. 

And to my dad, I know you're joking but the seasons should come at the right time. I got this grade for physics because of my hard work and effort. I earned this grade myself. You supposed that I'll get a D and the rest of the 10+ marks are purely bonuses that my teachers gave. No, you're wrong. Please don't say such things because you never know how hurtful jokes can be.

Negative thoughts aside, even though everyone was under performing in school on Monday's training, well I guess, what coach said made my day. I managed to send a lifted sweep into the goal with praises from coach. Thank you coach, I promise to work even harder. I really want to play well for NJ hockey and work together with my team mates to enter top 6 next year. We will train hard. Meet your expectations of <10 min for 2.4km, be strong in our basics and etc. Really, I'm thankful and I want to play more hockey in the future. This passion that I wear never dies (:

Kinda slacked my weekends at home away instead of doing work. Gotta gradually keep that down, and spend more time we the crapping group and study hard (: Thanks for occupying my weekends recently, studying with me to make me work hard. Love you all <3

Anyway, to the sweet group of people, we are really sweet.

(random)

Yeah, even though I'm not gonna name any of them here, yet they are really my motivation for school each day. All those crap, nonsense, pick up lines, jokes, study sessions, I really treasure them. You see, being the only one from your school, coming to a foreign ground, you really need all these. 

Really tired out, drained physically and mentally. All those bullshit and misery, let's end it all soon. May the upcoming papers be in my favour, please show me good grades. Really hope so, and also to perform well in tomorrow's training and improve. Shall head off to do Econs project (:

Ending off with a smile (:

(P/s: Sorry for the big faces :/)

#110 - Last Summer

Finally returned from that horrible holiday.

CTs ended last wednesday. 

Kinda late being here, talking about it. 

Well, I was 70% prepared for most of the papers and I'd say I had given my 69.99% from my 70% of preparation.

This CT felt important, yet the feeling you get after finishing it ain't nothing special. I remember how I use to experience a great sense of relieve and excitement after the end of CTs. For now, maybe no, not that much as before. I would say that this has been a routine and it will always be. NJ, papers after papers, never getting any excitement out of any. Not really expecting much from these CTs, just believing that I would be performing at least better than half of the cohort, to make myself feel better. After every paper, doubts, confusion and shocked. No anger, no satisfaction, nothing. It just felt like any other papers this year. 

I would say that I really did my best in answering all the questions even though I don't know how to. At least trying is better than giving up, but not all the time though. Just like in economics, when you should spend time on evaluation if you're confident of getting marks, than building up an additional point which limits your score. Agree, totally.

Well, really not expecting much this time. Perhaps clearing all papers will be what I want. To pass all of them, at least a D.

I wouldn't say I want any As but it'd be good to have a handful even though I doubt that I'll get any, given my  responses to the papers. What's over, is over, no point crying over spilled milk.

Setting targets, somewhat, somehow important. I'm really hoping that I can pass all my subjects. My tutors have told me to set targets. I shall list them down before getting back my papers next week. I wonder, if I will be able to achieve my goals, just like how I did in the past.

Expectations:

GP - C / D

Mathematics - A / B

Chemistry - B / C

Physics - C / D

Economics - C / D

Pretty similar for most of the papers, a pass and above Cs. Those are my targets. Actually, I find it quite amusing how my targets actually coincide with what DL wants us to achieve, although I find it particularly ridiculous for us to be banned from CCA if we do not obtain 5Cs or better, unlike the school's standard of 2-4Us or better. 

See the difference? 

Whatever the result is, I'll accept it. In Nj, I've learnt a lot in accepting. Accepting defeats, one of my best lessons learnt in JC. Yes, I'm so used to being defeated, but at the end of the day, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 Hockey, somewhere I wish to excel but have yet to. Yesterday before training, I told myself, yet another training, I'm too tired for it. But I guess, it's really mind over body. I ran the 2.4km alone but doing better this time round after not running or training endurance for like a month.

 Awesome isn't it?

Surprisingly, I got so motivated after the run. My passion started to burn more and more feel for hockey just appeared. I was able to perform whatever coach wants or says, way better than before. Totally, yesterday was indescribable. Yes, I can see everyone improving, but somehow I feel that I improved way more for yesterday. I know this sounds egoistic but I really saw the difference. What's most motivating is that even though I already know myself that I'm not the better players, but after what he said, I felt really good. 

" The three of you are weaker than the rest of the team, but I can see that you [turns to me] are improving, you can do what I want you to do and you can listen and understand well, what I want all of you to do. The rest, more or less are still okay. "

To be honest, I felt rather sad when he spoke the first line, but what came after that was better. I chose not to be affected by the first and be motivated by the second. Constructive criticisms or should I say truth, hurts. However, mind over body, with that, I'm really gonna work double hard as compared to the rest of the team and give my best in every training and matches before stand down after July. 

There's match in another 15 hours time. I shall crash now, as an athlete. Goodnight (: